This year (2020) has been a tough one for me. Covid has not been my friend, causing me to spend way way too much time with my children and neglecting my self care. Don't get me wrong I love my kids, but a 15 yr. old, a 3 yr. old and a 1 yr. old are a lot of work. While it might sound like I am complaining, I promise I'm not. I'm just an almost 40-year-old woman who once defined herself by her job and now isn't quite sure who she is anymore.
Just so you understand my predicament here is my basic background. In 2007, I was widowed with a 2 yr. old to care for. When my husband passed away, we had just moved to a new city in Utah. I had been a stay at home mom at the time, so I had to immediately start looking for work. Living with in-laws, in a new city and starting a new job caused that year and the following year to be really tough.
I was able to find a job in the manufacturing industry and worked for that same company for 12 years. I started as a line staff and worked my way up to the Quality Assurance Manager of the facility. It was exciting work, in that I felt useful, needed and valued. The hours were long, I was often stressed out and I had to miss what seemed like much of my daughter's childhood, but I enjoyed what I did. Overall, I used it as a way to define who I was.
Fast forward to 2016, I was blessed (yes totally blessed) to meet the man who is now my husband. I can't sing his praises enough as he is truly my better half. We met in January and married in December of that year. He adopted (not legally, but figuratively) my daughter and in mid 2017 we welcomed another little girl into our lives. I was still working at this time, but longed for when I could stay home and raise my kids. In March of 2019 we were blessed again and my son made his appearance. During this year my husband finished a program earning a Master's in Law and I was finally able to retire.
My dream had come true! I got to stay home with my kids. What I didn't realize was how bored and useless I would feel. Yes, I had looked on the internet and read a number of blogs about this subject so I felt informed. I anticipated the change and thought I was ready for it. There was no way though, to be prepared for the adventure ahead. I had forgotten over ten years the lack of thank you's and the monotony of being home alone all day with little people who couldn't talk. They didn't care if I showered or brushed my teeth. Finding a reason to get out of jammies and sweat pants became a job in and of itself. Have you ever seen Mister Mom? You know the scenes in the beginning where Michael Keaton lets his beard grow out, the house was a mess, the kids were a mess, and he is battling the appliances. Well that was pretty much me. I was surrounded by emotional terrorists and my brain was going to mush after watching so many hours of Mickey Mouse club and Peppa Pig. I needed an outlet desperately.
Staying at home started off well in June. . . I was potty training my then 2 yr. old, feeling accomplished by breastfeeding my infant (this was no easy feat for me), and taking the kids to library time and the parks so I didn't go stir crazy cooped up in the house. Shoot, I was even able to take a cruise with my husband. I thought I was handling it pretty well. Ooohhh little did I know what was in store.
In January there were rumblings of Covid on the news, but that was in China so why worry about it. Also, in January, our little family was able to take a cruise with my in-laws which sailed out of California. This allowed me to see some of my family after we got off the ship, but before we left for Utah. Since I hadn't seen my family in over a year this was good for my soul. I'm not a terribly social person being more of an introvert so family is very very important to me socially speaking.
In March the world fell apart due to Covid; vacations were cancelled, school let out for spring break and closed until August, and my library time/park outlet disappeared. My weight increased (I was now at the weight I was when I gave birth to my last child, which was discouraging) and I was stuck indoors with a very social 15 year old, a spoiled 2 (almost 3) year old and a 1 year old who were out each other's throats. My oldest, (let's call her Turbo) decided that it was her responsibility to keep the other two in line. This caused the 3 year old (let's call her Sweet Pea or Special Angel) to often scream and cry at not being allowed any autonomy in her choices. It was Turbo's way or no way. The youngest (let's call him Bubby) doesn't talk yet, but since he was teething, he was often covered in drool which angered Sweet Pea as everything he touched tended to end up covered in spit. Each day was a chorus of "SweetPea you have to do this or that", "Stop that Turbo!" and " Mom!!! Bubby is going to slobber all over it!!", punctuated by the sweet shrieks of a baby velociraptor. One day I might miss those shrieks, but not today.
To keep my sanity, I tried a few things like gardening, quilting, crocheting, and the culinary arts. I have done some of these in the past and enjoyed them, but I took them on, this time, with gusto - after all I had time to hone my skills and free baby-sitting from Turbo. I'm sure my husband cringed every time I said I wanted to try something as it was; 1) bound to be expensive, 2) probably something I would inevitably screw up and 3) cause me to get depressed that I wasted time and money on the project that I had failed at. Oh, did I mention I am bit of a perfectionist. Knowing my quirks and loving me anyway, my husband was a good sport and supported me just the same. Again, can't sing his praises enough . . .I'm not sure how I landed him, but I'm so very grateful he's mine.
Now, I'm 2 weeks away from my 40th birthday and I just don't feel like I've accomplished anything. There are no accolades on my walls, I have no social circle anymore (since it was all tied to my job which I no longer have) and everyone is in quarantine, so the only thing I have to show for my 40 years on earth right now are my children. Sadly, from the behavior of my little monsters (I say that lovingly) I fear I might have even failed at that. I knew there would be fighting. I just didn't expect quite so much of it and I grew up with four siblings.
Long story short I am struggling. I hope that by doing this blog I will be able to look back when I'm at the brink of 50 (hopefully not feeling quite as useless) and remember those things I have accomplished, even if it is only within my home or with my children. Shoot maybe this will give me enough to do to help me get through this next month. All in all, I'm just glad that school is back in session so there's a little less yelling in my home.
